I get jealous of little girls. Not just little girls though, little boys too. And now that I’m really thinking of it, of all ages big or small. Maybe you’re thinking it’s because they’ve got it easy. No homework, no worries of employment or university. They live a simple life. As much as I wish that my worries of all those things would vanish, that’s not where my root of jealousy sprouts from.
I see a little girl holding her fathers hand at the park. He’s holding on to her to make sure that she won’t trip off the balance beam. I see a little girl shopping in the toy aisle with her daddy in Target. I watch.
I see a little boy crying to his daddy because he fell off his bike and his knee hurts. I watch my neighbor comfort his son.
I see my friends getting picked up by their dads after school. I see them hug them goodbye before leaving the house for a sleepover. I hear them complain how he’s too strict. “At least he cares”, I say. They say that he cares too much.
Even when I had my own, I was still jealous of others. Why do they get a good one and I get the broken one? Now, I don’t even have my broken toy, he left to find a better dollhouse.
Some say that everybody needs a mother and father, there’s a reason for two parents because they both have their own very special roles. Me, I don’t need two. I have my mom and she’s all that I need.
I can’t help but wonder how my future is going to look. I never predicted my future relationship with my father to look the way it is now. Sure he was never consistent, but I thought he was somewhat going to be there. I guess seeing into the future is out of the cards for me.
It wasn’t always like this. I used to be my daddy’s little girl. I used to be the little girl that I now spend my moments staring at. I used to be her.
I don’t need a man. I never will. Maybe I should blame him for my hyper-independence. While my friends party on a weekend night, I prefer going on a solo date or being in my room. I reject most of the invitations that I receive. When I’m not flying solo, I’m with my mom, brother, or best friend. If I’m feeling social, I’ll take two at once.
Sometimes people are better with one parent. There’s a reason they’re absent. Things are better off without him. I am better off without him.
Whether you’re religious or not, there’s a plan. In my heart, there’s God. And since this is God’s plan, I can’t help but get upset. Why do other little girls get a good daddy, when I get one who isn’t there? Maybe there’s a scale to balance out all the bad and good juju, but on my end things don’t seem so fair.
Life isn’t fair. Everything happens for a reason. I try not to hate, but I hate those sayings. They may be true. That doesn’t mean if they were, I would hate them any less.
If the way God planned out my life is to be forever full of jealousy and anger whenever I see a father and his kid, I better have some good things waiting in store for me.
I don’t wish this upon any kid. And, I am aware that many people have it far worse than me. But, I just can’t help but think why me? Did I do something wrong? Was there something wrong with my dollhouse? Why do I get to be toyless when so many other little girls get to have all the toys in the world. It isn’t fair.
Leave a comment