I Want to Make it Out of the Bathroom

Is it silly to still be attached to your childhood dream? Likely. I want to be an actress, and deep down, I still believe that I will make it. Chances are slim to nothing. You’ve got to be one in a million to make it big, but I believe I will be one of those few that do. It will come true, it has to. 

If my dream doesn’t come true, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe join an office and work a traditional nine to five. I just don’t think that was meant for me. I believe I was meant for more. I was meant to live on sets. I was meant to tell stories. I was meant to act. I fear that one day, I’ll become one of those people that continuously chase a dream that’ll never come true. But honestly, which is worse? Chasing an impossible dream but never achieving it, or never even being brave enough to go after your dream and deciding to settle for less? I’m still trying to figure out which one is worse. 

My bathroom mirror is familiar with every side there is to me. My mirror has seen me walk red carpets. It has seen my answer to interviews on press tours and even me on talk shows. Luckily for me, there’s no one on the other side. I act out scenes. The scenes vary from all the different roles I dream of booking one day. The acoustics are nice, but hopefully one day I’ll be able to act outside of my bathroom. 

When people ask me what my “dream” is I don’t tell them it’s to be an actress. I tell them it’s to be a top journalist, or even an editor at a major publication one day. There’s some embarrassment to telling people the truth. Because, once they know the truth, they can watch you fail. Most of the time though, I don’t even tell people I want to be a journalist. It feels somewhat embarrassing to want something that seems so unlikely. So when they ask me, “what do you want to be when you’re older?” I simply reply, “I have no idea”. The truth is, I do know. In fact, I’ve had the same dream for as long as I can remember. It’s two different things, an idea and what becomes reality. 

A saying I’ve always hated is “I mean it’s called a dream for a reason, right?” It feels like someone is telling you that it’s bound to never come true. I know I should be open to the idea that it is likely to never come true, but what’s the fun in that? It’s a common saying, it shouldn’t get to me. But it does, because maybe they’re right. It’s simply a dream, it doesn’t promise anything. 

I’m not new to acting. I’m not talking about school plays or acting lessons, those scare me. Weird enough, what doesn’t scare me is being on real sets and being filmed from every angle. The set feels safe, it feels like home. When I was younger, I used to do commercials and small gigs. Sometimes small parts in movies, sometimes reality game shows, sometimes even voice acting for children’s toys. I miss it. My agent just says my age is the most difficult stage for an actor. Being a teenager, you look too old to play younger roles and you’re too young to play your own age. Those roles are reserved for the twenty-something year olds. 

I remember my first big project. I was a minor character in a movie. It was rated R so my parents wouldn’t let me watch it, obviously. I was about twelve and I went to set for four days in a row. I got to skip plenty of school, but that’s not what excited me. Well, a little. But what really excited me was getting to see behind the scenes and not just that, being on camera. Hearing the words “action” made adrenaline spike through my body like nothing has ever done before. If I’m lucky enough, maybe I’ll get to feel it again.

“My prime in my career was when I was eleven”. No one wants to say that, and I hope I never will. I don’t like to admit it, but I can’t help but envy the young stars I see across social media. What gets me through is telling myself, it’s okay. Your time will come. Just keep telling yourself that. 

The thought of never making it big really scares me. I know it shouldn’t. There are no guarantees when it comes to any career, but especially in this industry. I should have a backup job, that’s why I am leaning toward journalism even though that industry isn’t the most stable as well. Maybe I’ll become a doctor or lawyer. I wish those careers called out to me, but they don’t. 

I want to make it big, not for the fortune, but for the feeling. I want to be able to feel what it’s like being on set again. But not just for a few days, but for longer. I want a set to feel like home, and the cast to feel like family. I want to make it out of my bathroom. So, even when it’s hard, which is most of the time, I’ll try to stay hopeful.  Because, maybe one day instead of performing in front of my bathroom mirror, I’ll get to perform for the whole world.