I Think We’re Better Off

Coming back from summer break brings you all kinds of awkwardness. Especially seeing people you haven’t talked to since June. Especially, seeing the friend you were planning to spend all summer with and having no contact with them all summer. 

Many people don’t like summer, but I love it. People complain that it’s lonely, you’re just home all day. That’s what I love about the season. Not being lonely, but being alone. It really allows you to grow comfortable with yourself and reflect. 

I’ve gotten a chance to reflect on a signature look I want. The people I will continue to or stop spending my time with, and overall who I want to be.

There’s many parts about the old me that didn’t make the cut into sophomore year. I’m not trying to become a whole different person, but I want to be a better one. Not just to others, but to myself as well. 

Something about me last year that especially didn’t make the cut into the “summer rebrand”, was my old need to please everyone that I encountered. Constantly smiling and saying “hi” to people I didn’t even know that well. They needed to like me. Now, I don’t care if even my friends like me anymore. Because if they don’t, then they’re just not my friends. 

Seeing someone after being apart for a while gives you a chance to take a look at your relationship and really see what was right and wrong about it. 

This is an anonymous blog so I’ll tell you her name: Emily. 

She was a friend, a best friend, for a long time. You know those people who immediately ghost you when your relationship with one of their friends goes wrong? Yes, well, that’s Emily. 

After when things got slightly better, she and I became friends again. I tried so hard to trust her after, but I just couldn’t.

I clung on so hard to what our friendship once was.

It was so good. 

Yes it was. Key word. 

Things can be good at some point, but that’s how you know if you really have something good. If things stay good. 

I’m not saying that if something has an issue, it stays broken. If something needs to be fixed, fit it. After trying, and it can’t be fixed, then it’s broken.

That’s what our relationship became. Broken. 

I saw her on the first day back from summer break. It didn’t seem awkward for her, but it was for me. When she spoke to me, I gave short answers. Maybe it seemed rude of me, but I wasn’t trying to. Because over the summer, I learned a few things. I learned how to French braid. How to skateboard. And how to respect not just your current self but your past self who went through all that hurt and my future self who will continue to respect herself. 

I spent so long trying to maintain something that couldn’t be fixed. 

Now I know better.

So with that Emily, I think we’re better off not as friends. Not as enemies. Just not friends.